Retiree Saved by Buck’s ‘Lateral Pirouette’
(Editor’s Note: Retiree Jane Sharp is a well-known Canyon Lake photographer and deer-lover who frequently posts on Facebook about her adventures with her loyal canine companion Timone Aloyisius Sharp and other area wildlife.)
by Jane Sharp
I took my dog Timone into the backyard the other evening, accompanied by my trusty BigSun Super-Duper Flashlight. (It’s so bright, I think I can see into Bexar County with it.)
There is a “deer path” on the other side of my garage. The does jump over the fence into my yard, take two steps, and jump the other fence into my neighbor’s yard.
Since my dog seems to be part German Shepherd, part Hunting Dog/Hound, and part schizophrenic, I have tried to protect the deer by slowing them down by creating an “obstacle wall” with the barbeque grill and two plastic resin lawn chairs lying on their backs.
A doe jumped into the yard, and Timone jumped nimbly over one of the chairs like a flying squirrel on meth, but she got over the other fence in time. Unfortunately, Timone got there just as the horny buck chasing her (with about a thousand points in his rack) landed in my yard. This threw the buck’s timing off and he couldn’t get over the other fence before one understandably startled Timone Aloysius Sharp recovered and went after him.
When I saw the doe coming over the fence, I tried to run to her aid by hopping over the chair. This was most unfortunate since I have all the grace and speed of a wounded triceratops running from a T-Rex and getting mired in the LaBrea Tar Pit.
This left me trapped between the fence and the barbecue grill as the very unhappy buck charged in my direction. (Did I mention that he was huge and had at least a thousand points worth of antlers?) My next brilliant move was to shine my industrial-strength flashlight directly into my own eyes. So I stood there frozen, like a deer caught in the headlights (ironic, huh?), as a ginormous buck stampeded my way.
Most people say their entire lives flash before their eyes at this point. I, however, had only two thoughts. #1: I am glad I am wearing brown pants. And #2: The opening hymn at my funeral will be “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”. 🤔😉🤤🤗
The poor buck must have realized that he could be badly injured by trampling a fat old lady, and he performed what I can only describe as an amazing “lateral pirouette” over the fence just inches from me.
After my heartrate lowered to under 500, and I could breathe again, and had stopped muttering, “Thank you, Jesus!!!” and had stopped shaking violently, Timone bounded up beside me, and I swear he was asking me why I didn’t stop the buck for him.
It is rarely dull here in “Jane’s World”. 🤔😉😲🙄😁😂🤗
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